Now that I have some free time once again, I have quite a bit of preening/self-care to catch up on; it's been many months since I've been able to do so. Here are the things I need/want to do:

List One

1. Get my hair cut. Frizzy and me don't go.
2. Get my hair highlighted. It's Summer! Yes, it is, OK?
3. Get my legs waxed. Furry and me don't go.
4. Get my bikini line waxed after I have had four vodkas, so that I don't shout at the beautician that she is a 'fucking sadist' and 'what are you doing? trying to kill me???'
5. Buy some new bras that
a) fit properly and compliment the shape of my boobs
b) actually make my nipples sit horizontally and defy gravity entirely. They do exist, don't they?
6. Buy a couple of hip-hugging, arse-shaping, pencil-line skirts that are made for curvaceous woman and not skeletal models. Easier said than done.
7. Buy some new jeans that don't advertise what underwear I am wearing to the world. Again, easier said than done.
8. Find a couple of tops whose buttons don't pop open at breast level, because they are designed solely for flat-chested women. A week-long chore, believe me.
9. Find some open-toe heeled sandals that
a) fit my big feet
b) are comfortable
c) accentuate my calf muscles so I look as good as Jodie Foster in Inside Man (her legs are enough to make a girl switch sides)
10. Run at least three times a week so that I can trim up asap (and also then pluck up the courage to talk to the fit blonde bloke at my gym)

List Two

1. Try out some new sex toys
2. Go to a fetish night
3. Be a voyeur at an orgy
4. Have sex with two men
5. Fuck a bloke outdoors
6. Shag a total stranger
7. Experience anal sex again
8. Get handcuffed and spanked hard
9. Be the plaything for a hetrosexual couple
10. Have an orgasm in a public place (again)



I don't know about other women, but for me, I'm bored shitless by shopping. When it comes to how I'd prefer to spend my free time, I think having a good shag will always beat finding a sexy skirt to wear. And as for 'beauty' regimes, when you get the chance to have a cock in your mouth, who really gives a shit what your make-up looks like? Not me. I'd rather look like I've been dragged through a hedge because I'd just had a hard fuck, than worry about the state of my hair. (No wonder it's always a mess).

So I suppose that the things on the first list are just chores for me to get done; and on the second, the reward for doing them. Here's hoping I churn through them all quickly.

Though really I'd prefer number seven on the second list to be done as slowly as possible. Unless it's part of number four on the same list, in which case I'd be so excited, I'd probably forget about the pain it might cause.

Wish the same could be said for waxing.